A New Sensation

I'm having an interesting side effect from my new anti-depressant. For the first time in my memory, I feel full. Not the, "I've eaten so much my stomach may explode," full, but the, "I know there's still half of a sandwich on my plate, but I'm just not hungry anymore," full. I'm not claiming to have that genetic disease that causes little kids to become morbidly obese, but honestly, I don't ever remember looking down at my first helpings before and NOT feeling like cleaning the plate unless I was sick or newly in love.

It doesn't take much time on Google to discover that that is a pretty common story (though, to be fair, you have to be exceptionally weird before you can feel alone on Google). Several websites quoted people arguing that "I'm full" is just a polite lie that people tell you so you won't feel bad about having desert when they know they shouldn't. They seem to think that fullness is on par with the Loch Ness monster. Two months ago, I might have argued with them, because I keep hearing about fullness, but I wouldn't have been able to offer any personal testimony. I stopped eating when I thought I should, when the portion was gone or when it became uncomfortable.

As you might imagine, the lack of full gives you two options, obesity or very careful eating. If only I were a bit more 'type A'. Instead, I weigh almost 300 pounds. That's almost exactly twice what I should weigh. Despite being a relatively thin child (a state which I can only attribute to the fact that my mother did not cook and my dad worked nights), I have been at my ideal 'buck-fifty' for all of two or three months since puberty, and that was in high school. Ever since, food and I have been at war! I have had winning streaks as long as two years (which resulted in a post-college low of 240) and losing streaks. I have been assumed to be dirty, lazy and greedy by strangers with better figures. And I know that some of them have struggled as much as, or more than, I have. But a lot of them have simply known a sensation that I'm not sure I really believed in until recently. Full.

I'm incredibly grateful that my stomach, body and brain have finally started communicating, especially since I lost 6 pounds last month without trying, and I pray this side effect doesn't go the way of dry mouth and disappear after a while. I also hope that all of you out there who think that full is a myth get to someday experience the joy of feeling satisfied before feeling bloated. Mostly, though, I wish that all the people out there who take their full for granted would show a little more kindness to all the people out there who can't.