Random rants from a self-loathing kind of day

It's a self-loathing kind of day. The kind of day where it's probably for the best that I don't see my friends because they'd want to argue with me about who I am, like I don't know myself. Silly friends of mine.

I'm blaming "Call the Midwife", a delightful little show from PBS. There's a woman on that show who's falling in love with another character. We keep catching her watching him when he's not looking and I think, "I know that feeling". I miss that feeling. It's been so long. So long since I let myself feel that way about anyone. Because I know what's next. Next is the abject and complete humiliation of discovering, one way or another, that he's so far out of my league that the whole thing is just plain laughable. That's the truth of me that even my dearest friends can't quite dance around, though they may poo poo when I say I'm just not attracted to the kind of people who are attracted to me.

Every once in a while one of them will make the mistake of suggesting a romantic connection just so I can be sure they actually do know exactly where I stand on the mystical scale of "Please don't make me look at her" to "I would start a war for her" (it's right around, "I guess I'd do that" in case you were wondering. What is that - a 3?).  (Except for BFF, God bless her, who's personal scale of attraction is so far removed from my own that I have NO IDEA what she finds appealing other than Jeffrey Dean Morgan and gingers.)

I guess it's kind of like being a diabetic with a sweet tooth or a baker with Celliac disease or a woman with a shoe fetish and size 13 feet. Only worse than that, really, because the whole world is designed around couples and families and I'm just the odd duck. And love is EVERYWHERE. Except whatever spot I happen to be occupying at the moment. Love has the good sense to avoid that one like the plague that I am.

Best Gift Ever

This is one of my dear friends, Jenni, and her daughter. The flowers are my birthday present. She bought them and then randomly gave them to women outside the grocery store. My friend Sara gave clothing and toys to a family that had suffered a house fire. Bill helped someone move. Nina bought coffee for the next 20 people in line at the coffee shop. Maggie and her daughter, Anya, shared Anya's drawings with the neighbors. Tricia taught her mother-in-law how to move pictures from her camera to Facebook. Nina paid a bill for someone in trouble. Kellie gathered up all her cans and bottles for the homeless guy who collects cans in her neighborhood, and the stories are still coming in. I got the best gift ever for my 40th birthday.

I don't know where my best friend got the idea, but she created a Facebook event for my birthday inviting all my friends and family to do a random act of kindness to celebrate me turning 40. She volunteered at the food bank AND bought 20 coffees at our favorite dinner for the waitress to give out as needed. More importantly, she helped people celebrate the first 40 years of my life in a way that I hope reflects the way I've lived. One of my favorite me-isms is that you should never fail to do a task that is small to you if it is big to someone else. The stock market will never give you the rate of return you'll get from holding the door for someone with full arms or dropping by with coffee for someone having a bad day. Offering your arm to someone who is unstable on the steps costs you a few moments, but could save them months of recovery. An unexpected gift can change the life of someone who's begun to think no one's thinking of them.

I wish I could personally hug every person who chose to celebrate me by making the world a better place for someone I've never met, but some of them are far away. So, in the spirit of the gift, I chose to pass it along. This is a great way to celebrate a milestone. It can cost as little or as much as the giver chooses. There is no wrong way to do it. A little kid with crayons can participate right alongside a grown up. I challenge everyone who reads this to repeat it. Spare someone more stuff they don't need and find a way to give to someone who has a real need.

Lastly, I want to say that I have AMAZING friends. I might have chosen them for being the kind of people who were kind to people, but this has been a joyful reminder of how great they really are. I may have to have the event comments framed, to help me remember the details, but I'll never forget today, my amazing, incredible 40th birthday! Thanks so much!