Follow your passion! That's a great idea, if you have one.

Follow your passion! Do what makes you excited! Reach your goals!

I'm sure they are all good ideas, except, I don't have any. Goals, passions, excitement, that is. I know it's sad, but there's really nothing I feel intense about any more. I never was that person who knew exactly what they wanted out of life. Jill of all trades, except romance.

Really. I've reached the age where I know I'm not going to get married and have a family, so there are none of those wedding, first steps kind of goals that most women have. My career is totally dead end. And even if it wasn't, it's not like there's something I really want to be doing that I'm not. My life would be far better described by the things I don't want to be doing that I should, like cleaning the house and paying bills on time.

Honestly, I'm kind of just waiting to die. It's not exactly a depression thing. It's just a blah thing. Like my whole life is defined by what I gotta do, and I'm having a hard time figuring out what the point is. The only answers I come up with are lists of people who will be sad when I'm gone. I guess it's horribly selfish, but I can't get excited about a future of meeting other people's needs (and let's be honest, not that well) when nobody else really does anything to meet mine (and I'm not sure they can). I love each member of my family, but I don't like anyone in groups of more than 4, and they always want to travel in packs. My BFF's are awesome, but they really need other extroverts. My niece, well, she's the reason I take these stupid cholesterol and blood pressure pills and go to the stupid gym.

For me, I'm just biding time. Waiting for something to change. Desperately afraid that if I do the work I know I need to do, life will still be pretty much exactly like it is now. Every couple of years I'll get to take a nice vacation and someday, too soon, my parents and aunts and uncles will start to die and then I'll be old enough, but too poor, to retire. Somewhere around 80 I'll still get up and drag myself to a job that doesn't demand much of me and have a nice heart attack and hope to be lucky enough that no one's around until it's too late. That's the plan, anyway.