Weariness

I'm so done with death - the specter, the cult, the culture of it. I'm sick of hospice being the first answer instead of the last. I'm sick of women sacrificing their own babies. I'm sick of cancer killing children. I'm sick of hospitals and funerals and the Planned Parenthood where I was praying when I found out a friend has an incurable disease today. I'm sick of begging God for miracles and trying to find the will not to be mad at Him when He doesn't adjust the order of the universe to fit my pleas. 

I'm tired of feeling small and powerless and selfish. I believe that all things come together for the glory of God. But sometimes I just want my friend Bill's baby to be healthy and home a little more than I want the glory of God. I just want Justin to be back in the pulpit, not in the ICU. I want to spend my Tuesdays taking care of my home and my husband rather than being mocked by random strangers while I try to offer a lifeline to a woman who is being sold death at every turn. 

I'm tired of it being used to that. I used to sob and sometimes be sick after being outside Planned Parenthood on "procedure day." I watch those women go in so casually to take the abortion pill and I know real human beings are being lethally poisoned just steps away from me. It's just another Tuesday. I'm rather sick of the fact that I can be there and not be sick and sobbing. 

Here lies the valley of the shadow of death. I am struggling today to fear no evil.